Grief Changes You

As I said before, I am definitely not an expert on grief, but I have learned a few things in the last few years.

The first thing I learned is that no one knows exactly what you’re going through. You will hear that a thousand times, but it’s simply not true. Your relationship with the person you lost is unique to you and that person. Right now, I’m grieving the loss of my mom. And someone else that’s lost their mom can understand that in some ways but not exactly. My siblings don’t even know exactly what I’m going through because their relationships with my mom were different than mine was. So just know that you can never know “exactly” what someone else if feeling or going through with their greif.

The second thing I learned is that grief changes you. I’m not the same person that I was before my dad died. And I changed more after my mom died. In some ways I’ve changed for the better and in some ways I’ve changed for the worse. I’m more emotional now. I’m more sympathetic and empathetic. I’m also more withdrawn. When I first lost my mom and dad, I didn’t want to be around anyone. It was even hard to go to church. Everyone wanted to know how I was doing and I thought, “They don’t really want to hear the truth,” so I lied and said I was fine, even though I was broken inside. And sometimes I would just sit at church and cry the whole time. It was easier to just stay home and cry. I want my grief to make me better, to make me more personable, to help me to reach out and help someone else in some way.

The third thing I learned to take pictures and videos of your loved ones. You will miss their laugh and smile one day! I have a few videos of my mom but not of my dad. I would love to hear his laugh one more time.

Almost done. It’s ok if you’re not ok. Cry when you need to cry. Scream if you need to scream. If you need to be alone, take that time for yourself. Don’t totally isolate yourself but take some alone time. Get counseling if you need to. Journal or write letters to your lost loved one…it’s therapeutic.

Lastly, but most importantly, lean on Jesus! Pray, pray, pray! The Message version of Psalm 34:18 says: “If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, He will help you catch your breath.” I love that. He’s helping me catch my breath. He’s right here with me. He will never leave me or forsake me. The Holy Spirit is the Comforter and I’m not in this alone. He is holding me. Just be held.